I dream of being cast aside. I dream of being homeless. Afraid and adrift.
Last night I was dreaming that I was negotiating the end of a relationship with what I think was my first girlfriend (I consider her to be my first girlfriend) at a more domesticated level than we ever reached in reality. Youth is wasted on the young.
So we’re in this ferocious argument about what I did and didn’t contribute to our relationship, like shouting your resume. I argued that I moved all her stuff into the apartment. The book shelves. The furniture. It was strange because I actually threatened her, imposing my physical presence upon her, when in reality I was more afraid of her than she ever was of me. And somehow we negotiated that if she gave me $5,000, I would be alright and able to live a life after our “divorce”.
In the dream I got on a bus and rode it down the straight boulevard lined with trees, still reeling from the definitive nature of my summary dismissal. At the next stop, three members of the New York Knicks got on, one of whom was stuffing a gun clumsily into his Speedo underwear. He and I started a conversation, and I insisted he was Carmelo Anthony. He denied it with a smile, but did deign to sign his name on my forearm. His signature immediately transformed itself into an ornate tattoo. I was pleased, but he still wouldn’t admit he was Carmelo Anthony. He was very accommodating, however.
We passed a large university setting, and in the dream I was asking him what the name of the university was. He didn’t know, but I recognized it as a place for which I had applied for admission and been denied. It filled me with a sudden sadness. Sadness that became mitigated when Carmelo Anthony and I noticed a woman running after our bus. Carmelo insisted she would make it but I opined that she wouldn’t. She did!
And then I woke up. Opened my email. Lots and lots of job boards.
I’ve been applying for work through these job boards for years and nothing has come of it. What is it they say about insanity?
I own three copies of this: