PD’s Football Card Collection

Back in my day, we’d trade football cards. Hell, some of us had whole laminated albums dedicated to the stuff.

Since companies like Topps didn’t want to pay the NFL licensing fees for use of team logos, you’ll notice that these cards bear the names of the teams but the helmets and often the uniforms are clumsily air-brushed to hide the evidence. But how would a kid like me know that or even care? So this is how I pass the idle time these days. Eating tuna fish and rummaging through my football card collection.

Sure, Missus Neal, I'll take yer boy fishin'...

Sure, Missus Neal, I’ll take yer boy fishin’…Can’t rightly say when we’ll be back. 

47_Dave_Williams_football_card

Duuuuuhhh….durrrrrrrr……

48_Pete_Athas_football_card

I think this dude was in a porn I stumbled upon…His name was “Jacques Dough” or something.

56_Jim_O'Brien_football_card

One of the suckiest kickers in the history of the NFL, but having said that, he MADE his last second try at the end of Super Bowl V to beat the Dallas Cowboys. Fucking Jim O’Brien. Also, the man for whom “Potatoes O’Brien” were named. No one is eating “Potatoes Norwood”, are they?

58_Ken_Bowman_football_card

Even the great Vince Lombardi was never sure what Bowman meant when he would rock back and forth on the bench and mutter, “It puts the lotion on it’s skin…”

66_Jerry_Rush_football_card

This is the face of a man who literally just sniffed my mama.

67_Bryant_Salter_football_card

The loose security detail at the Murph enabled the occasional Temptation to score a little bleacher blow and don a uniform.

71_Myron_Pottios_football_card

This was taken toward the end of a pretty good career. His third team. Still, if you look closely, in the background you can faintly discern his dreams being crushed into a fine paste. 70’s Reference: Also, Larry Czonka’s cleat-mark on his chest.

81_Lance_Rentzel_football_card

“In November 1970, Rentzel was arrested for exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl in University Park, a suburb of Dallas. His wife, singer/actress Joey Heatherton, divorced him shortly thereafter. Four years earlier, as a Viking, a similar incident occurred on a Minnesota playground. He was charged with disorderly conduct in exchange for promising to seek psychiatric treatment. He was subsequently traded to the Dallas Cowboys (OF COURSE HE WAS!!!!). Preceding the 1971 season, the Cowboys traded him to the Rams for Billy Truax and Wendell Tucker. In 1973, while on probation for the indecent exposure charge, he was arrested for possession of marijuana. NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle suspended him for the entire 1973 season, but allowed him to return for a final season with the Rams in 1974 before he retired.” It’s that football-shaped head, I tell ya.

91_Mike_Tilleman_football_card

Look at that fucking head. It’s like there’s another, smaller head inside this one. LOOK AT IT!!!

95_Frank_Nunley_football_card

“Ok…….ok…….(pant….gasp……..) no more…….no more……coach, I’m done…….wait, what? I gotta pose for what?………Oh…..yeah…ok…whatever…..”

102_Mark_Nordquist_football_card

See, you think the donkey punch is bad…(Do you? Oh, you do…ok…) Prepare for the Philadelphia Double Donkey. That’s a thing now. Trust me.

112_Mike_Eischeid_football_card

“EISCHEID”. A Quinn-Martin Production. In color.
Mild-mannered Ivy League Milquetoast Mike Eischeid majors in Fornsic Accounting by day, but at night, he’s all business…and a little pleasure.
Cookie: Aw, man, this bag is short
Paco De Lorenzo: Look, Mang, joo get what joo get
(sound of screeching tires)
Mike Eischeid jumps out of driver-side window (he didn’t really have to): Looks like you started the huddle without me….
9/8 Central

117_Errol_Mann_football_card

Kicking soccer-style is going to be HUUUUGGGE.

120_Bob_James_football_card

That is one furrowed motha fuckin’ brow.

156_Gary_Cuozzo_football_card

“Hey, guys….ok…ok….no hitting…..hey hey….heh heh…..easy there, Merlin….”

157_Charlie_Krueger_football_card

I’m sorry, but there is no WAY this guy played in the NFL. This is Hoyt Axton paying off an equipment manager to impress some secretary/girlfriend he just hired/banged…

158_Tim_Foley_football_card

In what world is this an accurate portrayal of a football move? Did I accidentally upload a picture from the CFL?

190_Dave_Chapple_football_card

I got all excited and thought this might be an early outtake of that Prince basketball skit. Then I realized that this is not Dave Chappelle. Is the punter from the ’73 Rams gonna have to choke a bitch?

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