The first time, I was sitting in the parking lot of an office that specialized in endodonics. Root canal. I had never had one before. I was terrified. It was five years ago. I made nice with the front desk, and as I was 45 minutes early, I decided to wait in my car. Then I went back in and told the girl I would reschedule, cancelled the procedure, and drove away. I chickened out. The pain, of course, was as brave as ever, and soon became intolerable. It wasn’t bad. I had to have it done in two stages, the first being insufficiently anesthetized in the allotted time to prevent my pain from making my whole frigging body twitch. The second time did the trick.
I went back to have another one done, and this time there was literally no pain.
So today I’m at the ball-cupper, ass-reamer guy’s office (we will refer to him as “general practitioner”) for no other reason than that I needed to re-up my prescriptions, and Duke Health will not allow infinite refills unless you go to see someone once a year at least. He seemed irritated today. He asked me how I was, and I said he seemed really busy…I think i might have said “just endless, from one scrotum to another…” to which he replied as you did in your mind: “What do you mean?” and I really didn’t know. All those old people in the waiting room, the incompetent intake associate, the fact I had to go there…it was all summed up in that one phrase. Maybe I was talking to myself instead of him. I think he was pissed when I told him he looked tired.
When the girl weighed me i asked that she not read the number out loud, and she nicely obliged. The doc told me that I had put on weight. I told him it was my combination of sausages and lethargy. I opted to have blood-work done to see how high the cholesterol was. But as I sat there with the number 17 card, the dude next to me started coughing. That pushed me over the edge. I turned to the 5 or so people waiting with me for blood-work in the cramped lobby and asked, as if in a butcher shop, “Who has number 18?…here ya go…”
Having done my good deed, I left.
Now I gotta lose weight for realsies. It sucks.