To no one.

I saw this on Current TV, specifically This American Life. The episode was called “Reality Check”.  A group called Improv Everywhere decides that an unknown band, Ghosts of Pasha, playing their first ever tour in New York, ought to think they’re a smash hit. So they study the band’s music and then crowd the performance, pretending to be hard-core fans. Improv Everywhere just wants to make the band happy—to give them the best day of their lives. But it turns out differently because the band realizes in short order that the reception was entirely fake, and they have to go on, knowing somehow that there’s not likely going to be any kind of repeat. It’s sort of a cheat. I watched it and clenched my fist involuntarily, thinking how strange the whole thing was…the unintended consequences of doing something that on the face of it seems purely altruistic. Was it a gift or a prank?

I have ideas. I have music and I have a script for a thing I’ve been working on. I have my whole CD written, concept, arrangements, everything. I’ve run my idea for a stage musical by some close friends and they all either think it’s funny or are being polite, and I’m not someone who makes friends with people who are polite.

Every Monday I say that this is the week that I try to get things done. There are people upon whom I rely to take the next step. And I am having severe existentialist ennui today.

Tell people I never meant to be creepy. I just was. I really didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable. I just did.

Tell people that I settled grudgingly into being a mediocre songwriter with a mediocre voice. It never occurred to me that I would not be successful or that people would not love everything I did. It never occurred to me that people in the future or in the near future wouldn’t delve into my discography and try to decipher my lyrics with like-minded fans. I wasn’t conceited. I was willfully blind.

I always wanted to tour. I never got to tour. It might not be as fun as I imagined it might be but it would have been nice to have done it. In my prime. When I had the energy and nothing to lose.

I always wanted to play, just once, to a really enthusiastic room chock full of strangers who came to hear good original music and thought that mine was unmistakeably that. Did you ever see the “This

I always wanted people to come after me if I walked away, either in love or in friendship, but it seems to me to be pretty much always me doing the hunting, me doing the apologizing, and that might have something to do with the fact that I am broken beyond repair.

You’re the only one reading this.


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