An assortment of lyrics by the band Anvil.

While instrumentals like “March of the Crabs” and “Beef Curtains” neatly sum up Anvil’s oeuvre, it is their lyrics that have truly set the group apart. At the beginning of the movie “Anvil – The Story of Anvil- Starring Anvil as Anvil”, the lack of a natural ascension into the public consciousness like that of Bon Jovi and Slayer, for example,  is lamented. It certainly is perplexing why a band with such original metal stage choreography and almost Gandhi-ian use of the distortion box didn’t become bigger than they did, but I feel that they really shine with their lyrical power. Almost a cry for help over 14 albums and counting. I really did like the movie as it took me back to the concert they did at Rooftops on Seneca Street in Buffalo back in 1984. They were the first band I ever saw that gave their albums away in order to garner a following. I’ve never been a metal guy. But when I listen to metal, I listen to Anvil. Here, now, are excerpts from some of their more…jejune…offerings. For your enjoyment, I present: “The Wit and Whimsy of Anvil!!!!”

“Motormount”

You’ve tried them all from big to small
But no one’s turned your crank
You’re here tonight to get done right
I’m gonna fill your tank
Pull in the bay it’s your lucky day
Get up on the hoist
From underneath we’ll tool and grease
Gonna get you moist

What I see just can’t be
Have to work you overtime
Gonna line you up and prime you up
Make you run so fine
Lift the hood if you know what’s good
I wanna spark the gap
Fuel injection – no infection
Clean right to the cap

Ride the clutch Motormount
Drive all night
Grind the gears Motormount
Hold on tight

Dip my wrench into your stench
And twist the nuts up tight
Anticipate, Accelerate
And torque with all my might

————————————————————————————————————————————————–

“Backwaxed”

Your mommy always said don’t take those boys to bed
It might feel good today but in nine months you’ll pay
I know it’s your first time I’m gonna make you feel just fine
You say you never did and you’re really unprepared

Chorus:
Don’t you worry, don’t you fret
I’ve got a method that ain’t thought of yet
Put it in and pull it out
Slap it on your back and watch it spout

I don’t think you’ll mind if I take ya from behind
Get you on your hands and knees, put your mind at ease
Feel the throbbing what a treat as the wax begins to heat
I think it’s almost there, gonna pull it out with care

-Chorus-
Backwaxed, backwaxed, you’re being backwaxed
Backwaxed, backwaxed, you’re being backwaxed
Backwaxed

Ow, I think things are coming through
Now the shine is on your back
Feel the heat of the wax attack

——————————————————————————————–

“Strength of Steel”

With the strength of steel
I’ll show you how I feel
All the weak will kneel
For the strength of steel

Your mind begins to reel
With the strength of steel
Makes your blood congeal
I have nothing, nothing to conceal
For the strength of steel
For the strength of steel

Only power to reveal
With the strength of steel
And a love that’s real
For the strength of steel
A metallic meal

With the strength of steel
And with my approved seal
With the strength of steel
To you I make, make my appeal
For the strength of steel
You’ve got to have a metallic meal
Just for the love and strength of steel
For the strength of steel

(metallic meal???)

——————————————————————————-

“Straight Between The Eyes”

Lipstick does the trick
Won’t you give my friend a lick?
Ring around the collar
Squeeze tight, all your might
Can you make me feel alright?
Make me hoot and holler

You only get one try
Hit you straight between the eyes
Straight between the eyes
Lookout!

Got a morning tent, space for rent
This is how your time is spent
Sitting on a flagpole
So sweet in the sheets
Baby can you dig the beat
Pounding out a drum roll
Bang bang let it hang
I can’t wait to tell the gang
All about you passion
What fun now I’m done
And I really got to run
You know it’s all the fashion

——————————————————————————————–

“Toe Jam”

Pick your partner, nice and tight
‘Cause we’ll do more than dance tonight
Now promenade that’s how it goes
You bucks beware of Dosi dose
Dosidose
Allemande in and allemande out
Hip your partner, make her shout
Make her shout
Back to the front or side to side
Tip your cap and come inside
Down with her fishnets up with her skirt
Dig a little deeper till ya hit paydirt

Toe Jam

Checkin’ out her bedspan takin’ it slow
Honey does your pussy scratch, don’t you wanna know?
Up to the ceiling, down to the floor
If she rattles her heels ya know she wants more
Till she wants more
Right leg up, left leg down
Third leg out and shake it all around
Boys on bottom, girls on top
Dance all night never gonna stop

Toe Jam
Toe Jam
Toe Jam
Toe Jam

Yee-ha!
Ladies choice, now choose your beau
Show ’em everything you know
Bow to the west, bow to the east
Bend for the guy that you love best
That you love best
Girls out front, boys behind
Don’t be shy to bump and grind
Sweep the lady off her feet
Swing her around to the bouncing beat
Ladies in the centre, now gents take care
Hold her down, don’t let her rear
Dip and dive, you’re on your own
Bow to your partner and drive her home!

—————————————————————————————-

“Safe Sex”

Gotta new lover
Better take cover
Got some advice
You’d better think twice
Arrow’s in the quiver
When you’re ready to deliver
Weenie wrap
To collect the sap
Stretch and Seal a meal
It just don’t feel real
12 or 24 to the pack
Find them on the drugstore rack

Chorus:
Safe sex
If I abstain
I’ll go insane
Safe sex
Give me sleaze
And not disease

Electro-tested for tears and leaks
Lubricated prophylactic sheiks
Get it up, get it on!

yank it, crank it
Piggies in a blanket
Clean your gun
When it’s all done
Vacuum packed for your protection
Sanitized to fight infection

————————————————————————————————-

“Racial Hostility” (why they didn’t get a Nobel Prize for this I know not.)

Have you heard that Pakis stink
Jews are cheap, bad drivers are Chink
Have you heard that Spics will steal
Japs are sneaks, a Gypsy’s deal
Racial hostility

I get disgusted by all of this bigoted crap
I get revolted time after time
Racial hostility, a henious crime

Have you heard that Injuns drink
Niggers are bad and breed like mink
Have you heard that Wops lay brick
Greeks pump ass, an Irish mick
Racial hostility

Repugnant and ignorant, bad to the core
I just don’t want to hear no more

I’m getting sick of the news
Neo Nazis still hate Jews
How many blacks are in jail
How can we help but fail
Don’t tell me we can’t make it right
Why should we have to fear the night

————————————————————————————————————

“Five Knuckle Shuffle” ibid

Hand to the gland and I don’t care
There ain’t no secret I won’t bare
Hey!
All I wanna do is beat my meat
Shakin’ steak, what a treat
Stroke it, stroke it really hard
I wanna watch it blow a yard
Palm sister date what you got
Wank your willie, hit the spot

5 knuckle shuffle in the shower with the soap
Chokin’ the chicken ain’t no joke
5 knuckle shuffle in the shower with the soap
5 knuckle shuffle I got nothin’ to poke

Rattle my snake most every night
I wanna woman to do it right
Stroke it, stroke it just for fun
Stroke it, stroke it till I cum
All I wanna do is shake my stick
Pullin’ my pecker really does the trick

Don’t you worry when you spank the chimp
It don’t mean that you’re a wimp
Stroke it, stroke it all night long
Stroke it, stroke it ding my dong
Palm sister date what you got
Shine your shillelagh, don’t get caught

————————————————————————————————————

“Hair Pie”

Dessert is my favourite meal, I eat it every day
A dietary supplement that’s certain to stay
It’s my favourite recipe and it’s easy to follow
Can’t wait to get a mouthful, bite down and swallow

Chorus:
It’s got the flavour that can’t be beat
It’s a mans treat
Knee high in hair pie
Knee high in hair pie

A little bit of this and a little bit of that
Connoisseurs dessert is eaten on your back
Add a little honey, maybe some whipped cream
Do it with a friend if you know what I mean

-Chorus-
Knee high in hair pie
Knee high in hair pie

Put the batter in the bowl, then begin to stir
Bring it to a lather if you want to be sure
The flavour of this delicacy really can’t be beat
It’s a man’s meal that’s more than just a treat

——————————————————————————————————

“Man Over Broad” (that’s not a typo, regrettably)

There’s a man over broad
Casting with his fishing rod
Looking for a bite
Catch a meal tonight

On the star broad bow
The seaman know just how
Trawling from the stern
On the hook your worm
Baiting, waiting, anticipating
Skinboat to tuna town
Skinboat to tuna town
Ship to shore
Back for more
Skinboat to tuna town
Skinboat to tuna town

There’s a man over broad
He ain’t just catching cod
Teach you how to whale
On his ship you will sail
Baiting, waiting, anticipating
Skinboat to tuna town
Ship to shore
Back for more

“Speed of Sound” is Anvil’s “Sgt. Pepper”.

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One thought on “An assortment of lyrics by the band Anvil.

  1. […] while he’s no Anvil, he’s not that far […]

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