Hello. My name is Porcine, and I am a “Closure Addict”.

Where, when and how did I become a “Closure Addict”? I cannot count the times where I was left holding the doorknob to the front entrance of a house that had just been destroyed. Banging on the entrance-way until the whole frame collapsed in front of me to reveal nothing but rubble and someone once familiar walking away, wiping their hands. It’s really the hardest thing for me to reconcile in my professional and personal life. Why is it so easy for the other party to walk away without a concise summary of how it ended, and why, and when. This world is not meant for people like me.

When is the game officially called? I know it’s happened to you. You see someone you used to be much closer to, maybe even intimate with on some level, and as the eyes meet (grudgingly on their part) each of you takes inventory in your mind as to what it would be appropriate to discuss as opposed to what should remain unsaid. I remember after I torched the bridge that lead back to my first job here in NC by writing that article in Salon, seeing a bunch of ex-coworkers at a Chik-Fil-A as I was having lunch with another more friendly (at the time) ex-coworker. Such grimaces we all made, choking down the unsaid! Not just them, but me as well. What was it alright to discuss? What was to be left out?

Or if I used to meet someone at a park for a play-date on a regular basis, what is the expiration date on our intimacy? Is there a statute of limitations on what we can and cannot discuss? Does a lack of familiarity breed contempt? It’s odd. I’ve made so many mistakes. This article (also on Salon, right or wrong, got me thinking about this. There’s a woman who’s daughters go to our school. I was a friend, had been to her house and she to mine, we had met at a park here many times, and I thought we got along famously, until I fucked it up, I guess, with no chance of a reprieve, since there was no closure. And now I see here every day in the line to pick up the kids after school, and we can’t even say hello. I wonder if she sees me. How can people be so strong that they don’t require closure? How do people just…walk away? I could never do that. As the years go by, I wish I could. That’s bad, right?It all seems like such a waste to share intimate details with someone, and then have it all just evaporate. Seems…inhuman in a way.

At least I’m not Billy Mitchell.

I did see all the nominated Best Documentary movies this year, I forgot to mention, and think they got it right, although “Gasland” is my favorite.

Damned abandonment issues.  They have defined my life more or less.

It takes guts to go out and be the first. To my ears and eyes, Bjork was so courageous and innovative, versatile and heart-breaking that all who follow her are merely cowardly imitators.

Look at this. Listen to this.

 

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4 thoughts on “Hello. My name is Porcine, and I am a “Closure Addict”.

  1. debi wagner says:

    Dear Porcine,

    A very wise and dear friend of mine once advised me that closure is a luxury we don’t usually get and shouldn’t really expect. Don’t know why that is, but I do know he was right.

  2. That is a terrible thing. What I wonder is why it’s so important to me and yet other people seem to skate on by without it. These must be happy people.

  3. Mark D says:

    I agree with your friend Debi. Closure is never to be expected.

  4. That’s cold. Cold.

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